If facebook was a bar…

If facebook was a bar, I wouldn’t go.

The bar would make money by lining the walls with LED billboards for things that are tangentially related to the places I was at before coming to the bar. The bar would be the only one that would have my friends and acquaintances, having years ago put all the other bars out of business. It would use that unique advantage to sell my presence to other interests.

They would only serves drinks that were based on other drinks I have had before.

Everytime I spoke it would be mic’d so the whole bar could hear. There is almost nothing I have to say that I want everyone I know to hear. Most form squads of silent judges.

This bar would be the sole arbiter of identification processes for other public places. When other shops and venues needed to verify who I am, they would promise not to put anything on my tab at the bar.

When something goes terribly wrong near where we live, it would become custom to check into the bar just to let everyone know we were ok, and that we’d be back at the bar soon.

If facebook was a bar, it would be so carefully designed that I feel compelled to check in even when I was just there. I would stop by in between all my other errands. There would always be another friend offering another drink.

Bars are great places to speak freely, to be uncomfortably honest in a zone of limited collective memory, to stand down our guards, and to be among those who will forgive our peculiarities and our faults. If facebook was a bar, I wouldn’t go.




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